First week of training is over, and I am completely drained.
I have been running in less than 5 hours of sleep a day (that doesn’t sound as bad as it feels.)
I love it though, every single aspect of it.
I love not being completely aware of where it is I am going yet.
I love not being able to run and hide. I live in a house with 44 other people.
I love that within these walls I have met people that I feel like I’ve known for a couple of months.
So here are a couple of things I’ve done this week that have really stood out.
1) We got a lesson on life by Jason. Who, by the way, is the most incredible person. ever.
2) I got to eat with the entire Mexico team. Woot woot Mexico!
3) I have has some crazy awesome conversations with this girl named Mallory. She pretty much kicks ass at life, and everything to do with it.
4) I have made so much of fun of Kelly and Shannon. Pretty much in a way that should either be illegal or documented for the world to learn.
5) I have heard the first bit of mouth trashing other people (I hope this doesn’t end bad)
6) I was questioned, and responded in Spanish. Which ended up in a loud response of applause, because it wasn’t expected.
7) Gabe’s mom brought all the roadies food. Not exactly sure what it was, but by God was it delicious.
8) Have a new appreciation for food.
9) Have become extremely budgeted. I am scared of running out of money.
10) Have gotten in fights with people from El Paso. Weird.
11) Took a quiz.
12) Watched Scrubs. Oh yes I fit it in.
13) Talked to my lovely father for a couple of minutes today. He is awesome.
14) Talk to my sister. She’s pretty.
15) Took some pictures with another two teams.
16) Translated a couple of emails for some of my teammates.
17) I like Kelly Baker. Just a random fact that I thought everybody should know.
I love this city it’s amazing.
I’m kind of falling asleep while I am typing this. So I’m going to go.
Good night lovelies.
Besos
Friday, January 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Training is what's up!
Today was the first day of training.
It was intense.
Amazing though, African history totally blows Mexican and American history off the radar. Like we have so much back stabbing in African history that it makes all the soap operas seem like crap (although technically they all are.)
Ok so here is what I did all through the day:
1) Woke up at 5 45 am. For no reason I just did, and could not go back to sleep so I snag the shower before anyone else could.
2) Ate some delicious cereal I bought at Vons.
3) Drank coffee, and sat looking at the sky from the awesome balcony expecting to see the sun rise until I realized I was looking west so it didn’t work out for me…
4) Prepared my backpack for work.
5) Snagged a ride on a van driven by pretty much the best female driver in the world.
6) Sat next to Kelly who in 10 minutes became my favorite person in the world.
7) Got to work. Sadly got separated from Kelly in order to go on a tour of the office with out RM’s.
8) Went to look at our desks. I share it with this totally awesome girl named Colleen. She is the Mexico Regional Assistant.
9) Took a minute to look at our awesome binders.
10) Went to a staff meeting where I found Kelly, and we became best friends again.
11) Took a 15 min break. Kelly and I went to the restroom.
12) The staff was introduced
13) Lunch. Willie, Kelly, and I went to buy caffeine.
14) Went back to the conference room to have a quick expectations meeting.
15) Took a break. Kelly and I and about other 8 girls went to the restroom.
16) Went back and started getting the history of the war.
17) Took a break.
18) Went back to get the second part of the history of the war.
19) Took a break. I ate goldfish crackers. Had a thought on why the fish were so happy.
20) Went back and had a brief history of how IC started.
21) Packed up, and headed for the vans.
22) Got to sit next to my girl teammate (Andrea) had our first actual conversation. I liked her already then she told me she like Tegan and Sara, and that “like” turned into “love.”
23) Got home. Called the parentals. Told them what I did. We bonded for a while.
24) Got inside changed into pjs.
25) Went downstairs to a house meeting.
26) Came to the room, and talked to my roommates about random things.
27) And now this.
Yesterday was pretty amazing as well.
We went to a theater where we met Jason, and Bobby (two of the filmmakers.) We heard a girl named Achi Nancy, one of the first girls from Northern Uganda to come to the US on a full scholarship, speak.
We then saw a film called “Man on Wire” if you have not seen this film go out right now and rent it.
We then came home. Mexico though was still missing on of its team members. So as we awesome Mexicans do (actually there are only 2 of us) went and picked up our last teammate to arrive.
So the Mexico tour was united. We all pretty much kick ass. Like seriously.
We are all different, but in the 5 different ways of cool.
Anyways. I am trying to keep you posted. This has been an amazing experience already, and I am barely getting started.
I send my love to all you El Pasoans.
It was intense.
Amazing though, African history totally blows Mexican and American history off the radar. Like we have so much back stabbing in African history that it makes all the soap operas seem like crap (although technically they all are.)
Ok so here is what I did all through the day:
1) Woke up at 5 45 am. For no reason I just did, and could not go back to sleep so I snag the shower before anyone else could.
2) Ate some delicious cereal I bought at Vons.
3) Drank coffee, and sat looking at the sky from the awesome balcony expecting to see the sun rise until I realized I was looking west so it didn’t work out for me…
4) Prepared my backpack for work.
5) Snagged a ride on a van driven by pretty much the best female driver in the world.
6) Sat next to Kelly who in 10 minutes became my favorite person in the world.
7) Got to work. Sadly got separated from Kelly in order to go on a tour of the office with out RM’s.
8) Went to look at our desks. I share it with this totally awesome girl named Colleen. She is the Mexico Regional Assistant.
9) Took a minute to look at our awesome binders.
10) Went to a staff meeting where I found Kelly, and we became best friends again.
11) Took a 15 min break. Kelly and I went to the restroom.
12) The staff was introduced
13) Lunch. Willie, Kelly, and I went to buy caffeine.
14) Went back to the conference room to have a quick expectations meeting.
15) Took a break. Kelly and I and about other 8 girls went to the restroom.
16) Went back and started getting the history of the war.
17) Took a break.
18) Went back to get the second part of the history of the war.
19) Took a break. I ate goldfish crackers. Had a thought on why the fish were so happy.
20) Went back and had a brief history of how IC started.
21) Packed up, and headed for the vans.
22) Got to sit next to my girl teammate (Andrea) had our first actual conversation. I liked her already then she told me she like Tegan and Sara, and that “like” turned into “love.”
23) Got home. Called the parentals. Told them what I did. We bonded for a while.
24) Got inside changed into pjs.
25) Went downstairs to a house meeting.
26) Came to the room, and talked to my roommates about random things.
27) And now this.
Yesterday was pretty amazing as well.
We went to a theater where we met Jason, and Bobby (two of the filmmakers.) We heard a girl named Achi Nancy, one of the first girls from Northern Uganda to come to the US on a full scholarship, speak.
We then saw a film called “Man on Wire” if you have not seen this film go out right now and rent it.
We then came home. Mexico though was still missing on of its team members. So as we awesome Mexicans do (actually there are only 2 of us) went and picked up our last teammate to arrive.
So the Mexico tour was united. We all pretty much kick ass. Like seriously.
We are all different, but in the 5 different ways of cool.
Anyways. I am trying to keep you posted. This has been an amazing experience already, and I am barely getting started.
I send my love to all you El Pasoans.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Roadie Adventures- Days 2
So I promised I would do this.
For those of you who don’t know I recently moved to San Diego to work for a non-profit called Invisible Children. I am a roadie. What that initials is traveling from city to city talking about the situation in Northern Uganda. There are about 60 of us who are doing this. We all get put into separate regions, and got to cities within that region. IC is going international for the first time this semester, and of course I got put into an international team. My amazing team is going to Mexico.
So this is what I’ve done thus far that I have never done before:
1) I traveled U.S. Airways.
2) I drove in a big black van with “Invisible Children” written on it.
3) I had people who did not know me wait for me at the airport with unbelievable enthusiasm.
4) I got into a van with 3 complete strangers, and never experienced a moment of awkwardness.
5) I got into a car with 4 complete strangers, and felt a little bit of awkwardness but was quickly changed into just plain awesome conversation.
6) I went to two different Targets in one day.
7) Went to Vons (cool super market)
8) I freaked out about how expensive food is here in California.
9) I got a Vons card.
10) I slept in a room with 3 other girls.
11) I will sleep tonight in a room with 5 other girls.
12) I can’t remember names. I’m usually amazing at names.
13) I’m living in a house with another 45 people. Which one of the assistants described as “Not one of the most legal things to do” I thought it was hilarious.
It’s been an incredible experience already, and this is barely my second day. I am excited to meet all the rest of the roadies who still have to come in. I still need to meet some who are already here.
I will keep you all updated.
I love and miss most of you…
Hehe
Zari
For those of you who don’t know I recently moved to San Diego to work for a non-profit called Invisible Children. I am a roadie. What that initials is traveling from city to city talking about the situation in Northern Uganda. There are about 60 of us who are doing this. We all get put into separate regions, and got to cities within that region. IC is going international for the first time this semester, and of course I got put into an international team. My amazing team is going to Mexico.
So this is what I’ve done thus far that I have never done before:
1) I traveled U.S. Airways.
2) I drove in a big black van with “Invisible Children” written on it.
3) I had people who did not know me wait for me at the airport with unbelievable enthusiasm.
4) I got into a van with 3 complete strangers, and never experienced a moment of awkwardness.
5) I got into a car with 4 complete strangers, and felt a little bit of awkwardness but was quickly changed into just plain awesome conversation.
6) I went to two different Targets in one day.
7) Went to Vons (cool super market)
8) I freaked out about how expensive food is here in California.
9) I got a Vons card.
10) I slept in a room with 3 other girls.
11) I will sleep tonight in a room with 5 other girls.
12) I can’t remember names. I’m usually amazing at names.
13) I’m living in a house with another 45 people. Which one of the assistants described as “Not one of the most legal things to do” I thought it was hilarious.
It’s been an incredible experience already, and this is barely my second day. I am excited to meet all the rest of the roadies who still have to come in. I still need to meet some who are already here.
I will keep you all updated.
I love and miss most of you…
Hehe
Zari
Thursday, November 6, 2008
It's time
So it has been a good week.
For starters my friend Barack got elected…woot woot…
For some reason the people that surround me have not stopped and taken the time to grasp the beauty of it.
This event will go down in history.
The youth of America finally spoke up. The first black president was elected. Hope for this country has been restored.
Now, I know Obama doesn’t have the experience, and he will probably not do all the things he has set up to do. But there is just something about him that just makes me feel that he should be there. That he will bring something to this country that will help us out.
Now I’m from El Paso. I don’t know if it’s the people I hang out with or just El Paso in general, but holly crap I hear the things they say and it makes me doubt that we are in fact in the 21st century.
They are ridiculously close-minded. I have heard so many racist jokes. It makes me sad. It makes me sad when I see a 13 year-old boy make a racist comment and watch as the mother laughs and pretends he is the funniest kid in the world. What makes me even sadder is the fact that almost all the racist comments (if not all of them) have come from a Mexican.
Now as a Mexican (and one who is fucking proud of it) it pisses me off. It pisses me off to see that because of stupid remarks made by few our whole culture is affected. But what can I do? Mexicans are proud people you can’t change us.
Another thing that amazes me is the close-mindedness of people. It’s kind of funny though, because I was raced (and continued to be raced) in a conservative household. My parents are both Christians, and both of them are pretty “christiany” in the way they live their lives and the ways they think other people should live theirs.
I love and admire my parents more than anything in the world, and I think that they did an amazing job raising my sister and I. It’s kind of hilarious though because my sister is one of those people that don’t really care about politics or anything going on in the U.S. (she voted though, I’m proud of her) and I on the other hand turned into some liberal junkie… oops! Two things that my dad dislikes: Apathy and Liberals.
Something that has been bothering me though is the fact that there are people my age who stand against human rights. I can understand older people being bitchy about it. But for the life of me I can’t understand how people my age can do it. I don’t know if anyone followed this (especially since most of the people I know are from Texas) but Proposition 8 passed in California. It bothered me so much, because if there is anything that I believe is wrong is a law not allowing people to love who they wish to love.
You know what it is not an issue about whether it is right or wrong, it’s an issue about human rights.
I find it incredible that people protest this. In all seriousness how does it affect you? It doesn’t. It really doesn’t. I was listening to NPR, which I really should stop it, it has become like a drug. It is my barer of good and unfortunately bad news.
Anyways, I thought I owed that to my fellow Californians to which I felt sympathy for.
On the up side Proposition 2 passed. Chickens get bigger houses. We don’t want our chickens to be sad before they get eaten.
Anyways enough about California! I don’t live there!
Ok anyways I’m tired.
Goodnight,
And remember:
When I was eighteen and nineteen years old writing songs, I really did believe that whatever experience I was having was, like, more special than any other person's love experience since the beginning of time- Sara Quin
For starters my friend Barack got elected…woot woot…
For some reason the people that surround me have not stopped and taken the time to grasp the beauty of it.
This event will go down in history.
The youth of America finally spoke up. The first black president was elected. Hope for this country has been restored.
Now, I know Obama doesn’t have the experience, and he will probably not do all the things he has set up to do. But there is just something about him that just makes me feel that he should be there. That he will bring something to this country that will help us out.
Now I’m from El Paso. I don’t know if it’s the people I hang out with or just El Paso in general, but holly crap I hear the things they say and it makes me doubt that we are in fact in the 21st century.
They are ridiculously close-minded. I have heard so many racist jokes. It makes me sad. It makes me sad when I see a 13 year-old boy make a racist comment and watch as the mother laughs and pretends he is the funniest kid in the world. What makes me even sadder is the fact that almost all the racist comments (if not all of them) have come from a Mexican.
Now as a Mexican (and one who is fucking proud of it) it pisses me off. It pisses me off to see that because of stupid remarks made by few our whole culture is affected. But what can I do? Mexicans are proud people you can’t change us.
Another thing that amazes me is the close-mindedness of people. It’s kind of funny though, because I was raced (and continued to be raced) in a conservative household. My parents are both Christians, and both of them are pretty “christiany” in the way they live their lives and the ways they think other people should live theirs.
I love and admire my parents more than anything in the world, and I think that they did an amazing job raising my sister and I. It’s kind of hilarious though because my sister is one of those people that don’t really care about politics or anything going on in the U.S. (she voted though, I’m proud of her) and I on the other hand turned into some liberal junkie… oops! Two things that my dad dislikes: Apathy and Liberals.
Something that has been bothering me though is the fact that there are people my age who stand against human rights. I can understand older people being bitchy about it. But for the life of me I can’t understand how people my age can do it. I don’t know if anyone followed this (especially since most of the people I know are from Texas) but Proposition 8 passed in California. It bothered me so much, because if there is anything that I believe is wrong is a law not allowing people to love who they wish to love.
You know what it is not an issue about whether it is right or wrong, it’s an issue about human rights.
I find it incredible that people protest this. In all seriousness how does it affect you? It doesn’t. It really doesn’t. I was listening to NPR, which I really should stop it, it has become like a drug. It is my barer of good and unfortunately bad news.
Anyways, I thought I owed that to my fellow Californians to which I felt sympathy for.
On the up side Proposition 2 passed. Chickens get bigger houses. We don’t want our chickens to be sad before they get eaten.
Anyways enough about California! I don’t live there!
Ok anyways I’m tired.
Goodnight,
And remember:
When I was eighteen and nineteen years old writing songs, I really did believe that whatever experience I was having was, like, more special than any other person's love experience since the beginning of time- Sara Quin
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
giant turtle rider
I leave tomorrow.
I know. I know. Be sad El Paso be very sad. I come back on Monday, so rejoice with that thought.
I have a test in like 45 minutes, and I have no desire to look at my notes one last time. I've done nothing but read for this stupid class during the last week. I figure that if I don't pass this test it's because I read the wrong book. Which I didn't, I think.
So I've pulled a couple of smart things during the week:
1) A crazy semi-trailer almost ran me over on the free way yesterday. I didn't honk. I didn't brake. I instead resulted to the art known as screaming with fear. I kid you not, after I did it I laughed, because one it's probably the girliest thing I've done all my life, and two under no circumstances would my scream have had an effect on said truck driver noticing he was going to run me over. Awesomely enough though he didn't. I'm not aware of how he didn't, but I'm glad he didn't.
2) I was about buy a CD yesterday, but instead checked if a friend would send it to me, he told me he had already. I checked he had. Downloaded it, later to find out in was already in my music library on Itunes.
3) I've also been having weird dreams:
I had one were I was at ACL already and I was taking pictures, and my camera was like the best camera ever. I could see everything. Also it turned out ACL was in my backyard. I woke up confused, but confused but checked to see if my camera had indeed changed during the course of the dream. It didn't.
I also had this one weird ass dream were there was a little turtle inside my house, and my dogs were attacking it and I kept yelling at my dad to get out the little turtle (it was super cute) while I was holding my Great Dane, Jack Russell and Chihuahua back. My dad grabbed what looked like a spatula and got the little turtle with it, and threw it out the front door. I let go of all my dogs and when to see through the front window to see if the little turtle was fine. The turtle was running away but as it was leaving it was like gradually growing, and I called my dad and we both just looked at the turtle and then at each other. My dream continued to later have the turtle grow so much it was like El Paso's Godzilla. Then the Blue Beetle (yes I said the Blue Beetle) came to my house and talked to us about the turtle to see if it had been exposed to some weird chemical, and my dad pointed at me and was like she was the one who wanted it alive. So the blue beetle took me to the desert and left me there. Later the turtle (which was ridiculously big) went to the desert for me and I became like El Paso's villain.
I'm guessing I shouldn't read comic books before taking a nap.
Ok I'm out I have to go take a test.
I know. I know. Be sad El Paso be very sad. I come back on Monday, so rejoice with that thought.
I have a test in like 45 minutes, and I have no desire to look at my notes one last time. I've done nothing but read for this stupid class during the last week. I figure that if I don't pass this test it's because I read the wrong book. Which I didn't, I think.
So I've pulled a couple of smart things during the week:
1) A crazy semi-trailer almost ran me over on the free way yesterday. I didn't honk. I didn't brake. I instead resulted to the art known as screaming with fear. I kid you not, after I did it I laughed, because one it's probably the girliest thing I've done all my life, and two under no circumstances would my scream have had an effect on said truck driver noticing he was going to run me over. Awesomely enough though he didn't. I'm not aware of how he didn't, but I'm glad he didn't.
2) I was about buy a CD yesterday, but instead checked if a friend would send it to me, he told me he had already. I checked he had. Downloaded it, later to find out in was already in my music library on Itunes.
3) I've also been having weird dreams:
I had one were I was at ACL already and I was taking pictures, and my camera was like the best camera ever. I could see everything. Also it turned out ACL was in my backyard. I woke up confused, but confused but checked to see if my camera had indeed changed during the course of the dream. It didn't.
I also had this one weird ass dream were there was a little turtle inside my house, and my dogs were attacking it and I kept yelling at my dad to get out the little turtle (it was super cute) while I was holding my Great Dane, Jack Russell and Chihuahua back. My dad grabbed what looked like a spatula and got the little turtle with it, and threw it out the front door. I let go of all my dogs and when to see through the front window to see if the little turtle was fine. The turtle was running away but as it was leaving it was like gradually growing, and I called my dad and we both just looked at the turtle and then at each other. My dream continued to later have the turtle grow so much it was like El Paso's Godzilla. Then the Blue Beetle (yes I said the Blue Beetle) came to my house and talked to us about the turtle to see if it had been exposed to some weird chemical, and my dad pointed at me and was like she was the one who wanted it alive. So the blue beetle took me to the desert and left me there. Later the turtle (which was ridiculously big) went to the desert for me and I became like El Paso's villain.
I'm guessing I shouldn't read comic books before taking a nap.
Ok I'm out I have to go take a test.
Monday, September 15, 2008
I just need a second
I hate when I think it's going to take me a really long time to do something, and then it actually only takes me like 30 minutes. So I have a French test tomorrow (Bonjour! Je m'appelle Zarina) and I told myself it was going to take me all the time I have in between classes to put my notes on note card (yeah I'm trying the note card technique now. Judge me if you must) so I left all my other homework at home cuz I didn't want to get a hernia. Now I'm frenched out, and have nothing to do until 12 30 and then I have free from 1 20 till 3. God I suck at making schedules! Next semester I'm having someone else do it for me. It seriously makes sense when I'm making it, but right now as I'm sitting here at the library (4th floor, naked lady cartoon desk) it seems stupid and I curse the me from last may.
It's ok though! Now I get to write useless babbles and have like 2 or 3 of you read them while you are probably waiting for your next class or are at work bored or you might just be one of you is weird one who actually enjoy my blogs (I send kisses your way.)
So there are a few things I'm excited about:
1) Austin City Limits (duh!) not only am I ridiculously excited for the music, but I'm excited to see my sister. I miss her. She's cool.
2) I'm also kind of excited to see where my political science class is going. I know. I don't want to be a lawyer, but I like the readings a lot.
3) My dad is doing super well in his business and I am excited to see what happens in his future.
There are others but those are the main three.
Also I was excited for the new T&S video, (came out today) which was kind of awesome! I think I finally have some sort of idea of what I want to do with my life. I know it's something revolving around music, either radio or a music magazine. What really interests me is music on movies or TV shows. I don't know what it is they study, but I think that would be cool. For right now communications does seem like the correct path. Its kind of cool, because it's the first time an introduction class assures me that I might want to do that. I like my teacher also I feel like he is easy to talk to. Always good.
I read Socrates' Apology by Plato yesterday. I liked it a lot. Socrates was a genius. There was a part in the book where he was saying that he was the wisest man alive because he knows he is not wise. Or something like that. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I was high on cold medicine though because now that I'm thinking about it, it doesn't seem as cool as yesterday.
Anyways it made me happy because I found something my sister had mentioned a few days before about how "the unexamined life is not worth living" and just seeing it in the context of the book was amazing. I kind of smile really big at barns and noble (which was so full yesterday because of the long weekend there is in Mexico! Viva Mexico!) I'm pretty much sure that people at barns and noble think I have no life, because I'm always there. Little do they know I went to the opera on Saturday, oh yes I did. It was fun it was kind of a twisted story. I liked it. The singing was amazing the acting on the other hand could have used other actors (mahahahaha…just kidding) the acting was not good, but I was on the last row (literally 3rd balcony row F) so I couldn't see the faces the body movements were enough.
I also watched An American Crime. I wish I hadn't though. It's a good movie, but it's a little to strong. It left me scarred for life. I watched Smart People that wasn't as good as I had anticipated.
I could keep going, but I won't. Go study!
watch this:
It's ok though! Now I get to write useless babbles and have like 2 or 3 of you read them while you are probably waiting for your next class or are at work bored or you might just be one of you is weird one who actually enjoy my blogs (I send kisses your way.)
So there are a few things I'm excited about:
1) Austin City Limits (duh!) not only am I ridiculously excited for the music, but I'm excited to see my sister. I miss her. She's cool.
2) I'm also kind of excited to see where my political science class is going. I know. I don't want to be a lawyer, but I like the readings a lot.
3) My dad is doing super well in his business and I am excited to see what happens in his future.
There are others but those are the main three.
Also I was excited for the new T&S video, (came out today) which was kind of awesome! I think I finally have some sort of idea of what I want to do with my life. I know it's something revolving around music, either radio or a music magazine. What really interests me is music on movies or TV shows. I don't know what it is they study, but I think that would be cool. For right now communications does seem like the correct path. Its kind of cool, because it's the first time an introduction class assures me that I might want to do that. I like my teacher also I feel like he is easy to talk to. Always good.
I read Socrates' Apology by Plato yesterday. I liked it a lot. Socrates was a genius. There was a part in the book where he was saying that he was the wisest man alive because he knows he is not wise. Or something like that. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I was high on cold medicine though because now that I'm thinking about it, it doesn't seem as cool as yesterday.
Anyways it made me happy because I found something my sister had mentioned a few days before about how "the unexamined life is not worth living" and just seeing it in the context of the book was amazing. I kind of smile really big at barns and noble (which was so full yesterday because of the long weekend there is in Mexico! Viva Mexico!) I'm pretty much sure that people at barns and noble think I have no life, because I'm always there. Little do they know I went to the opera on Saturday, oh yes I did. It was fun it was kind of a twisted story. I liked it. The singing was amazing the acting on the other hand could have used other actors (mahahahaha…just kidding) the acting was not good, but I was on the last row (literally 3rd balcony row F) so I couldn't see the faces the body movements were enough.
I also watched An American Crime. I wish I hadn't though. It's a good movie, but it's a little to strong. It left me scarred for life. I watched Smart People that wasn't as good as I had anticipated.
I could keep going, but I won't. Go study!
watch this:
Friday, September 12, 2008
Realizing What Ive Known All Along
I started having panic attacks again. Most of them occur while I'm in my car. I love my car, but lately every time I set foot in it my heart skips a beat. It's the kind of skip that makes you feel faint, and not in the beautiful "I'm in love" sort of way. But it the way that you feel doomed.
I feel like there are no solutions.
I feel like that I am the wrong person.
I feel that I might have been born in the wrong place.
I try to be the person I want to be, but every time I start to something gets in my way. I've slowly started to give up. I'm nineteen for god sakes. How many problems can I have? Truth be told they are not life and death problems. I like to calm myself by thinking that many of you are going through the same thing. I'm not sure how many of you have to scream in your car in order to calm yourself down, or how many of you spend a lot of time asking yourself why things are the way they are. I hope not many of you do, because honestly it's a waste of time.
I've come to realize that I let things that shouldn't really matter get to me.
I hate the fact that people who don't know me hate me. Honestly I wouldn't care if they were just a random person in one of my classes that hated the fact that I asked a question. It bothers me though that people who are friends with my friends hate me. It bothers me because someone I care deeply for is being the receiver to these messages (yeah I'm taking speech) It scares me to think that my friends are friends with that kind of people which then interconnects to the fact that if they are friends it's because they have things in common. What if eventually they get persuaded to start thinking the way their friends do.
Side note: Let me make one thing clear. Quiet does not equal Hate. I am a quiet person. I can honestly say that I don't hate anyone. I might not care for you, but I don't hate you.
I told my mom a couple of months ago that I would get nervous all the time. My mom being my mom of course wanted to take me to the doctor. I honestly got more freaked out about that than anything else. What if they had to medicate me? No scratch that. They would medicate me. I don't want to be a pill popping nineteen year old.
Now here is what pisses me off the most.
My life is perfect. I seriously could not ask for more.
I have parents who love each other so much its ridiculous.
I have the coolest sister in the world.
We are economically stable.
We get along so well.
We're like the fucking Brady Bunch. We have the crazy maid and all.
How fucked up is it, that outside of me everything is perfect but somehow inside its freaking torture?
I don't want to go to a psychologist because I feel like if I do the only solution they can give is drugs. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I'm fine. I want to actually be fine.
I know this blog is like a whole lot of rambling and a whole lot of crazy.
But bear with me.
I want to say this. All of you who don't like, and I know you know I know who you are what you think of me does bothers me, so you win. Congratulations.
I need help.
I feel like there are no solutions.
I feel like that I am the wrong person.
I feel that I might have been born in the wrong place.
I try to be the person I want to be, but every time I start to something gets in my way. I've slowly started to give up. I'm nineteen for god sakes. How many problems can I have? Truth be told they are not life and death problems. I like to calm myself by thinking that many of you are going through the same thing. I'm not sure how many of you have to scream in your car in order to calm yourself down, or how many of you spend a lot of time asking yourself why things are the way they are. I hope not many of you do, because honestly it's a waste of time.
I've come to realize that I let things that shouldn't really matter get to me.
I hate the fact that people who don't know me hate me. Honestly I wouldn't care if they were just a random person in one of my classes that hated the fact that I asked a question. It bothers me though that people who are friends with my friends hate me. It bothers me because someone I care deeply for is being the receiver to these messages (yeah I'm taking speech) It scares me to think that my friends are friends with that kind of people which then interconnects to the fact that if they are friends it's because they have things in common. What if eventually they get persuaded to start thinking the way their friends do.
Side note: Let me make one thing clear. Quiet does not equal Hate. I am a quiet person. I can honestly say that I don't hate anyone. I might not care for you, but I don't hate you.
I told my mom a couple of months ago that I would get nervous all the time. My mom being my mom of course wanted to take me to the doctor. I honestly got more freaked out about that than anything else. What if they had to medicate me? No scratch that. They would medicate me. I don't want to be a pill popping nineteen year old.
Now here is what pisses me off the most.
My life is perfect. I seriously could not ask for more.
I have parents who love each other so much its ridiculous.
I have the coolest sister in the world.
We are economically stable.
We get along so well.
We're like the fucking Brady Bunch. We have the crazy maid and all.
How fucked up is it, that outside of me everything is perfect but somehow inside its freaking torture?
I don't want to go to a psychologist because I feel like if I do the only solution they can give is drugs. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I'm fine. I want to actually be fine.
I know this blog is like a whole lot of rambling and a whole lot of crazy.
But bear with me.
I want to say this. All of you who don't like, and I know you know I know who you are what you think of me does bothers me, so you win. Congratulations.
I need help.
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