I started having panic attacks again. Most of them occur while I'm in my car. I love my car, but lately every time I set foot in it my heart skips a beat. It's the kind of skip that makes you feel faint, and not in the beautiful "I'm in love" sort of way. But it the way that you feel doomed.
I feel like there are no solutions.
I feel like that I am the wrong person.
I feel that I might have been born in the wrong place.
I try to be the person I want to be, but every time I start to something gets in my way. I've slowly started to give up. I'm nineteen for god sakes. How many problems can I have? Truth be told they are not life and death problems. I like to calm myself by thinking that many of you are going through the same thing. I'm not sure how many of you have to scream in your car in order to calm yourself down, or how many of you spend a lot of time asking yourself why things are the way they are. I hope not many of you do, because honestly it's a waste of time.
I've come to realize that I let things that shouldn't really matter get to me.
I hate the fact that people who don't know me hate me. Honestly I wouldn't care if they were just a random person in one of my classes that hated the fact that I asked a question. It bothers me though that people who are friends with my friends hate me. It bothers me because someone I care deeply for is being the receiver to these messages (yeah I'm taking speech) It scares me to think that my friends are friends with that kind of people which then interconnects to the fact that if they are friends it's because they have things in common. What if eventually they get persuaded to start thinking the way their friends do.
Side note: Let me make one thing clear. Quiet does not equal Hate. I am a quiet person. I can honestly say that I don't hate anyone. I might not care for you, but I don't hate you.
I told my mom a couple of months ago that I would get nervous all the time. My mom being my mom of course wanted to take me to the doctor. I honestly got more freaked out about that than anything else. What if they had to medicate me? No scratch that. They would medicate me. I don't want to be a pill popping nineteen year old.
Now here is what pisses me off the most.
My life is perfect. I seriously could not ask for more.
I have parents who love each other so much its ridiculous.
I have the coolest sister in the world.
We are economically stable.
We get along so well.
We're like the fucking Brady Bunch. We have the crazy maid and all.
How fucked up is it, that outside of me everything is perfect but somehow inside its freaking torture?
I don't want to go to a psychologist because I feel like if I do the only solution they can give is drugs. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I'm fine. I want to actually be fine.
I know this blog is like a whole lot of rambling and a whole lot of crazy.
But bear with me.
I want to say this. All of you who don't like, and I know you know I know who you are what you think of me does bothers me, so you win. Congratulations.
I need help.
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