giant turtle rider

I leave tomorrow.

I know. I know. Be sad El Paso be very sad. I come back on Monday, so rejoice with that thought.

I have a test in like 45 minutes, and I have no desire to look at my notes one last time. I've done nothing but read for this stupid class during the last week. I figure that if I don't pass this test it's because I read the wrong book. Which I didn't, I think.

So I've pulled a couple of smart things during the week:

1) A crazy semi-trailer almost ran me over on the free way yesterday. I didn't honk. I didn't brake. I instead resulted to the art known as screaming with fear. I kid you not, after I did it I laughed, because one it's probably the girliest thing I've done all my life, and two under no circumstances would my scream have had an effect on said truck driver noticing he was going to run me over. Awesomely enough though he didn't. I'm not aware of how he didn't, but I'm glad he didn't.

2) I was about buy a CD yesterday, but instead checked if a friend would send it to me, he told me he had already. I checked he had. Downloaded it, later to find out in was already in my music library on Itunes.

3) I've also been having weird dreams:
I had one were I was at ACL already and I was taking pictures, and my camera was like the best camera ever. I could see everything. Also it turned out ACL was in my backyard. I woke up confused, but confused but checked to see if my camera had indeed changed during the course of the dream. It didn't.
I also had this one weird ass dream were there was a little turtle inside my house, and my dogs were attacking it and I kept yelling at my dad to get out the little turtle (it was super cute) while I was holding my Great Dane, Jack Russell and Chihuahua back. My dad grabbed what looked like a spatula and got the little turtle with it, and threw it out the front door. I let go of all my dogs and when to see through the front window to see if the little turtle was fine. The turtle was running away but as it was leaving it was like gradually growing, and I called my dad and we both just looked at the turtle and then at each other. My dream continued to later have the turtle grow so much it was like El Paso's Godzilla. Then the Blue Beetle (yes I said the Blue Beetle) came to my house and talked to us about the turtle to see if it had been exposed to some weird chemical, and my dad pointed at me and was like she was the one who wanted it alive. So the blue beetle took me to the desert and left me there. Later the turtle (which was ridiculously big) went to the desert for me and I became like El Paso's villain.
I'm guessing I shouldn't read comic books before taking a nap.

Ok I'm out I have to go take a test.

I just need a second

I hate when I think it's going to take me a really long time to do something, and then it actually only takes me like 30 minutes. So I have a French test tomorrow (Bonjour! Je m'appelle Zarina) and I told myself it was going to take me all the time I have in between classes to put my notes on note card (yeah I'm trying the note card technique now. Judge me if you must) so I left all my other homework at home cuz I didn't want to get a hernia. Now I'm frenched out, and have nothing to do until 12 30 and then I have free from 1 20 till 3. God I suck at making schedules! Next semester I'm having someone else do it for me. It seriously makes sense when I'm making it, but right now as I'm sitting here at the library (4th floor, naked lady cartoon desk) it seems stupid and I curse the me from last may.
It's ok though! Now I get to write useless babbles and have like 2 or 3 of you read them while you are probably waiting for your next class or are at work bored or you might just be one of you is weird one who actually enjoy my blogs (I send kisses your way.)

So there are a few things I'm excited about:
1) Austin City Limits (duh!) not only am I ridiculously excited for the music, but I'm excited to see my sister. I miss her. She's cool.
2) I'm also kind of excited to see where my political science class is going. I know. I don't want to be a lawyer, but I like the readings a lot.
3) My dad is doing super well in his business and I am excited to see what happens in his future.

There are others but those are the main three.
Also I was excited for the new T&S video, (came out today) which was kind of awesome! I think I finally have some sort of idea of what I want to do with my life. I know it's something revolving around music, either radio or a music magazine. What really interests me is music on movies or TV shows. I don't know what it is they study, but I think that would be cool. For right now communications does seem like the correct path. Its kind of cool, because it's the first time an introduction class assures me that I might want to do that. I like my teacher also I feel like he is easy to talk to. Always good.

I read Socrates' Apology by Plato yesterday. I liked it a lot. Socrates was a genius. There was a part in the book where he was saying that he was the wisest man alive because he knows he is not wise. Or something like that. I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I was high on cold medicine though because now that I'm thinking about it, it doesn't seem as cool as yesterday.
Anyways it made me happy because I found something my sister had mentioned a few days before about how "the unexamined life is not worth living" and just seeing it in the context of the book was amazing. I kind of smile really big at barns and noble (which was so full yesterday because of the long weekend there is in Mexico! Viva Mexico!) I'm pretty much sure that people at barns and noble think I have no life, because I'm always there. Little do they know I went to the opera on Saturday, oh yes I did. It was fun it was kind of a twisted story. I liked it. The singing was amazing the acting on the other hand could have used other actors (mahahahaha…just kidding) the acting was not good, but I was on the last row (literally 3rd balcony row F) so I couldn't see the faces the body movements were enough.
I also watched An American Crime. I wish I hadn't though. It's a good movie, but it's a little to strong. It left me scarred for life. I watched Smart People that wasn't as good as I had anticipated.
I could keep going, but I won't. Go study!

watch this:

Realizing What Ive Known All Along

I started having panic attacks again. Most of them occur while I'm in my car. I love my car, but lately every time I set foot in it my heart skips a beat. It's the kind of skip that makes you feel faint, and not in the beautiful "I'm in love" sort of way. But it the way that you feel doomed.
I feel like there are no solutions.
I feel like that I am the wrong person.
I feel that I might have been born in the wrong place.
I try to be the person I want to be, but every time I start to something gets in my way. I've slowly started to give up. I'm nineteen for god sakes. How many problems can I have? Truth be told they are not life and death problems. I like to calm myself by thinking that many of you are going through the same thing. I'm not sure how many of you have to scream in your car in order to calm yourself down, or how many of you spend a lot of time asking yourself why things are the way they are. I hope not many of you do, because honestly it's a waste of time.
I've come to realize that I let things that shouldn't really matter get to me.
I hate the fact that people who don't know me hate me. Honestly I wouldn't care if they were just a random person in one of my classes that hated the fact that I asked a question. It bothers me though that people who are friends with my friends hate me. It bothers me because someone I care deeply for is being the receiver to these messages (yeah I'm taking speech) It scares me to think that my friends are friends with that kind of people which then interconnects to the fact that if they are friends it's because they have things in common. What if eventually they get persuaded to start thinking the way their friends do.
Side note: Let me make one thing clear. Quiet does not equal Hate. I am a quiet person. I can honestly say that I don't hate anyone. I might not care for you, but I don't hate you.
I told my mom a couple of months ago that I would get nervous all the time. My mom being my mom of course wanted to take me to the doctor. I honestly got more freaked out about that than anything else. What if they had to medicate me? No scratch that. They would medicate me. I don't want to be a pill popping nineteen year old.
Now here is what pisses me off the most.
My life is perfect. I seriously could not ask for more.
I have parents who love each other so much its ridiculous.
I have the coolest sister in the world.
We are economically stable.
We get along so well.
We're like the fucking Brady Bunch. We have the crazy maid and all.
How fucked up is it, that outside of me everything is perfect but somehow inside its freaking torture?
I don't want to go to a psychologist because I feel like if I do the only solution they can give is drugs. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I'm fine. I want to actually be fine.
I know this blog is like a whole lot of rambling and a whole lot of crazy.
But bear with me.
I want to say this. All of you who don't like, and I know you know I know who you are what you think of me does bothers me, so you win. Congratulations.

I need help.

Wake up Exhausted

I kind of love Alkaline Trio and I love Tegan and Sara this made me happy...
Tegan looks freakishly like Sara in this video(most of you are like they are twins genius! but you can tell them apart), she lost weight.

UTEP Library Epiphanies

I'm sitting at the UTEP library. I'm on the fourth floor sitting on the desk I have occupied almost every day since I started at UTEP. This desk for some unknown reason has a carved cartoon picture of a naked lady with huge boobs, every day I come to the library for some strange reason I always sit on this desk. I don't find it either funny or wrong, but for some undefined reason I find comfort in this desk naked lady and all.
I was thinking about it today, and it dawned on me that every time I come to the library my desk is unoccupied. It got me thinking about my desks past. I know I'm going there. I wonder what happen to my desk previous occupant. This person might have already graduated, or might have been expelled for vandalizing school property. Whatever it might be I just want to give a shout out to said person, and tell them they are awesome.
Moving on. As I was thinking about what I just wrote the girl sitting on the desk in front of me turned around and asked me if I could keep an eye on her things while she went to the restroom. I of course replied with my sweet smile and said sure. Once she skipped out of my sight this act got me thinking. I know I've been a thoughtful butterfly today. What exactly would I do if someone decided to steal her stuff in front of me? Would I tell them not to? What if they ran? I wasn't going chase after them, what would happen to my crap if it got left behind? Even if I did chase them what would I do once I caught them? Would I hit them? What if they hit me? Would I risk my life for a strange girls crappy PC? But then if I didn't chase after them what would I tell the girl once she came back from the restroom? I couldn't just leave because she would think I was the one who had stolen her stuff. Why god why had I agreed to such a responsibility? How much of an ass would I have been if I had said no?

I was having a bit of a panic attack

The girl came back, gave me a sweet smile said thanks, and then left.
I promised myself I would never take care of another persons crap for the rest of eternity. Funny enough this was about an hour ago, and as I am typing this I am looking over a girls super rad Mac Air. I've come up with a solution though. If someone does decide to steal the computer I am just going to lay on the library floor until she come back slaps me a little across the face, and then I'm going to deliver the performance of a life time and tell her I was brutally attacked.

Problem solved.

Anyways, I am suppose to be reading about public speaking. I hate it.